2.) Consistency
3.) Say what to do instead of what not to do
4.) “Sandwiching”: Effective feedback for sensitive children
For most parents, the happiest time in their life is the day their precious little child came into the world and blessed them with profound joy. The first smile, the first tooth, the first step, the first word…ahhh! Then as they grow older they start to learn words like “no” and “mine” and begin throwing temper-tantrums when they don’t get their way. From one perspective, these first acts of rebellion begin a lifetime of control battles and difficulty in relationships. From another perspective, the child may simply be trying to gain a sense of autonomy and self-control, which are both healthy and necessary to become a well-adjusted adult. If a parent enters into the control battle simply for the sake of control, the child’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth can be significantly compromised. In addition, if the parent loses the battle, they may end up reinforcing the undesirable behavior by having given too much attention to it and then giving up, which may leave the child feeling an inflated sense of false power. Conversely, the parent may exert too much power leaving the child feeling powerless and humiliated, which over time could damage their self-esteem.
So how can you ensure that you are doing everything that you can to support your child’s self-esteem and self-confidence without losing your Zen? Here are a few suggestions:
1.) In a two parent family, make sure that as parents you have a parenting plan and you stick to it. At minimum, agree to be on the same page on the major issues and to support each other in the smaller issues. This reduces confusion for kids and actually increases their compliance with rules which makes your job easier, thereby increasing your Zen.
2.) Whether you are a one parent or two parent family, probably the most important element of Zen parenting is consistency. If you are not consistent then the child will be pushing the boundaries daily to see how far he/she can get before you crack and give in. If the boundaries are clear and consistent the child will probably test the boundaries far less often which allows for less time imposing discipline and more time enjoying quality time with your child, which, you guessed it, increases your Zen.
3.) Another easy, little parenting technique is to state what you want your child to do instead of what you don’t want them to do. Many parents are constantly nagging their children, “Johnny stop that racket”, “Timmy, quit annoying your sister”. Communicating this way is not very effective if you actually want the child to stop the behavior. It simply makes the child feel defensive, criticized and blamed and often increases the behavior. Instead, try redirecting the child to a more appropriate activity. Give them a job or ask them for help on something. Help them to refocus their attention by stating what you do want. “Hey Johnny, mommy needs you to keep your voice down right now, the baby is sleeping, can you read a book or play outside until she wakes up?”. You see how this statement is much more empowering to a child than the first one? An empowered child will respect you more and honor your authority when it is required…increasing your Zen.
4.) Finally, sandwiching is a term used to give feedback in a positive and empowering way. With sandwiching, you state something positive that the child is doing, follow by constructive criticism, and then again followed by something positive. For example, “Johnny, I really like the way you are finding things to do by yourself while mommy is working. That toy you are playing with is a little bit loud to play with inside while your sister is sleeping. Can you please take it outside until she wakes up? Thank you, I really like the way you’re listening to mommy right now”. Sandwiching gets the point across without compromising self-esteem. It also reduces resistance from the child by making it feel like a suggestion rather than a command. Most children are eager to please their parents. Complying with a suggestion that makes their parent happy is much more rewarding than following an order that makes their parent feel powerful. In the long term, this method promotes internal motivation rather than external motivation making our job easier as parents, thus, increasing our Zen.
These are just a few suggestions that when used consistently can provide for a positive and peaceful parenting experience.
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